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Survival mode self-care.
You're running on four hours of broken sleep and three bourbon biscuits.
The baby is screaming, the toddler just tipped the potty over
and you haven't showered since Thursday.
Here are a few things to try when you're overwhelmed.
Not 'name five things you can see...' or 'go and take a nice hot bath'.
Actual, doable (strange) things that might help you find tiny pockets of joy when you're stuck in the trenches of motherhood and feeling a bit feral.
Small, weird things for the long days:
Be the bad guy
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Blast a song that makes you feel like a villain.
Not a hero - a villain.
You're not here to inspire others,
you're all about survival.
Think 'Be Prepared' from The Lion King.
Bonus points for dramatically singing along while you change a nappy.
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Pretend you're filming your own reality show.
Do the voiceover narrations.
Don't forget your solo camera confessional moments where you bitch about your coworkers and how many nappies they've gone through today.
Freeze your tits
Real Lives of Unhinged Wives
Freeze your tits
Put your bra in the freezer.
Why?
Because it's weird.
Because you can.
Because your sore nipples will love it.
Sir Poops-a-Lot
Sir Poops-a-Lot
Freeze your tits
Give your baby a fake name for the day.
Unhinged but amusing.
Be dramatic
Sir Poops-a-Lot
Tiny cleaning
Do one small task in an unnecessarily over-the-top fashion.
Dance from the cupboard to the fridge.
Chop up grapes with a flourish.
Sing instead of talking.
Tiny cleaning
Sir Poops-a-Lot
Tiny cleaning
Clean one random thing.
TV remote, one leg of the coffee table,
a small plastic plate.
Celebrate the achievement.
Superwoman
Fridge Narnia
Fridge Narnia
Stand in a superhero pose
for 10 seconds.
Fake being in control.
Take a moment to enjoy feeling powerful in a house of tiny toddler dictators.
Fridge Narnia
Fridge Narnia
Fridge Narnia
Open the fridge and stick your face in.
Stare at the back of the fridge.
Imagine it's the door to a fantasy land where nobody needs anything from you and the tea is always hot.
Breathe.
Stay there until the fridge beeps bring you back to reality.
(Best done while scoffing a KitKat.)
Fresh feet
Fridge Narnia
Fresh feet
Put some clean socks on.
Or take your socks off.
Or put your slippers on.
Or step outside barefoot.
Wrong cup
Toy Therapist
Fresh feet
Drink from the wrong thing.
Use a Christmas mug in June,
drink your water from a wine glass,
breakfast sippy cup OJ.
Toy Therapist
Toy Therapist
Toy Therapist
Talk to a toy like it's your therapist
(out loud or in your head).
It won't judge or interrupt.
Just great listening skills and
a space to vent.
Shake It Off
Toy Therapist
Toy Therapist
Stand up and have a good shake,
like they used to make you do at school after P.E. warm ups.
Except now you can sit right back on the sofa instead of doing the
f***ing Bleep Test.