Space to feel less alone.

Yes, I know. I'm sure you were expecting it to be hard. But were you expecting it to be this hard?  (I wasn't.)

Whatever stage you're at, however long you've been a mum, whatever you're finding difficult, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Motherhood was meant to be navigated as part of a community. It really does take a village. And nowadays finding that village can be hard.

It seems like everyone around you knows what they're doing.  Instagram is full of perfect mums with their perfect families and their perfect houses and it's just perfectly ridiculous.  We all find it hard.  Some of us find it harder than others but it really is just f**king hard work.

So, although it's just you and me here right now, I hope that what lies ahead can bring you some form of comfort, some tiny slice of a village to support you.  Because this life is gloriously, hideously, unimaginably hard.

You can do it. You are not alone.

I didn't feed my baby after he was born. He didn't cry to be fed, so I didn't feed him. He ended up in an incubator for 24 hours. He was fine, we went home. I set alarms to wake him up to feed him. Then he wouldn't feed. He lost too much weight so we had to go back to hospital. I sobbed the whole way there. Everyone who watched us said he was feeding fine, great latch, etc. Except he still lost weight.

I didn't have a clue what I was doing.  Why?

Because I had never been a mum before and none of it felt natural!  Motherhood was just one big uphill struggle, challenge after challenge. Endless Google searches and texts to my mum and sister.  Attempts to find the parts of the baby books that told me what to do when I just didn't know what to do.

It was a bit of a shock when my pregnant self had believed that motherhood would just magically change me into some all-powerful, omniscient, magical creature who glides serenely past any obstacles and eases into newborn bliss, knowing instinctually what every cry or whimper means, instantly able to soothe and calm my perfect angelic child who would sleep twelve hours a night from birth.  (Okay, maybe I didn't believe it, but I certainly could dream!)  It turns out that, over a decade later, I still don't think it comes naturally.  I am still reading and Googling and texting weird questions to people.

It is normal for motherhood to be about learning.  It's not true that it will all 'just come naturally'.  You are not alone.

"I love you and I want to throw you out the window."

I have never experienced anger the way I did when I had babies. Sometimes it felt justified, sometimes it came from nowhere.  But, oh, the absolute blinding rage!

Wonder why you suddenly feel so angry, so often? 

Maybe it's because you are now responsible for an entire other human and get no recognition for it.  Maybe you had a traumatic birth and are told 'at least the baby is okay'.  Maybe you are being given constant unasked for advice.  Maybe you have to return to work and carry on as if your entire world (and body) haven't just been turned inside out.  Maybe you're staying at home and being told you should go back to work.  Maybe people are asking you when you'll have the next one when you're still bleeding and can't sit down properly.  Maybe it's because you're just expected to get on with it. Maybe it's because you never feel good enough. Maybe it's because you've only had four hours sleep in three days and you can't find any clean clothes. Maybe it's because you just don't know what you're doing. Maybe it's because the support you need just doesn't seem to exist. Maybe it's because you need some time alone. 

There are hundreds, thousands more reasons.  You've hit your absolute limit but somehow you keep going. Your hormones are going haywire and everything has changed.  You're a f**king superhuman, even if you feel like a tangled ball of chaos.

It's okay to be angry. You are not alone.

I am pretty sure I only liked my kids between 5am and midnight.  Those other hours? There were times when I didn't like them at all. I didn't want anything to do with them. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep.

If anyone else screamed at you, demanded things from you all day, was physically stuck to you, made your nipples crack and bleed, destroyed (however temporarily) your genitals and internal organs, would never let you sleep, made you wipe their shitty arse and covered you in sick, wouldn't you get a bit pissed off sometimes?!

And, yes, you love them and you also get all the snuggles and kisses and smiles and laughs and utter indescribable joy.  But you also get a LOT of... well... shit.

It is okay to love your baby and not like them all the time. You are not alone.

Things I have done to my children: Dropped them off the bed. Banged their heads trying to get them in the car. Yelled at them. Cut their tiny thumb attempting to use those f**king baby nail clippers. Left the baby in the house as I forgot I had two kids. Yelled some more. Cried while pushing them round the garden and loudly singing a song I composed, titled 'Go to f**king sleep I am so tired'. Fed them mouldy bread. Left them alone screaming so I could also scream alone.

This is not an exhaustive list and they were mostly the accidents of a sleep-deprived brain, but I did them. I am still a good mum. My kids are fine. They now damage themselves without my help (mostly by walking into door frames).

There will always be something you're doing wrong. Try not to beat yourself up. Parenthood is a bit like adulthood - nobody really knows what they're doing. Just do what you can, when you can, and don't stress too much about the inevitable f**k ups.

'They f**k you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.' - Philip Larkin.  You are not alone.

"I can't believe you haven't done the washing!"

"You didn't ask me to!"

"I know! I just thought you would do it!"

"How was I supposed know you wanted me to do it if you didn't ask me to do it?!"

"You just were!"

Sound familiar?

I resented so many people for so many things when I became a mum. Why couldn't they just understand what I needed and do it, without me having to tell them what it was I actually needed them to do? Couldn't they see I was already drowning under the load of motherhood?

Another feeling emerged, stronger than it had ever been before. Pure ENVY.

I resented anyone who got to: sleep all night; go to work; have a day off; eat food with two hands; eat hot food; have a shower; wear clothes that weren't covered in baby sick/food/poo/snot; go to the cinema; eat a nice meal; wash their hair; have a clean house; go out with their friends; wear skinny jeans; brush their hair; not worry about their boobs leaking; sneeze without fear of wetting themselves/bursting their stitches/getting that feeling when you're still bleeding postpartum; just pop to the shops; talk to adults; have any kind of two-way conversation; leave the house at a minute's notice; leave the house alone; leave the house without a bag; leave the house.

There is a lot to adjust to. There is a lot to be jealous of. There is a lot you will resent others for. Acknowledge it. Talk about it. Share it. Ask for what you need.

Life has changed. You are not alone.

I was going to have a calm birth, with no interventions.

I had a 52 hour labour in two different hospitals, with every possible intervention, ending in a category 1 emergency c-section.  I then opted for a planned section second time around.

I was going to cook homemade meals from scratch.

Jars and pouches were a lifesaver.  Everything I made ended up on the floor and I got so angry I gave up making anything at all. My kids still mostly live off chicken nuggets.

I was going to have a baby who slept in their cot.

One napped on the sofa, the other slept in our bed until he was one.

I was going to limit screen time.

I would put CBeebies on the tablet and prop it up by the cot at 3am so I could go back to bed and get some sleep.

I was going to be calm and serene.

I once screamed 'GO TO SLEEP!' at my baby at 1am.

I was going to be the best mum.

I am the best mum for my kids.

I hope everything goes to plan for you.  You will be okay if it doesn't. You are not alone.